No More Wallowing

So originally this was going to be the weekend I was supposed to run the Rock and Roll marathon. April and I were going to go down to San Diego. In December I bought charms for both of us that had electric guitars and the date June 3 on them. Because of my injury, I can't run it (but I can still run, just not 26.2 miles). But we still have these charms. I want to inquire all of you to help me think of other activities that April and I could do to justify our guitar June 3 charms.
What do you think?

Public Speaking and Dating???

A lot of people are scared of public speaking. I'm not actually. Not to say I have not had those terrible embarrassing experiences, because I have.

Exhibit A:
Girl Scout Fly Up or Fly Out or something. I had some simple line I was supposed to say and Kristen was supposed to walk over a little bridge thing, but I got the giggles. I have no idea what was funny but I couldn't say the words. I just giggled ridiculously. My mother was furious.

Exhibit B:
Lectoring on Christmas Eve Mass. There I was, all adolescent, kind of like a fawn. I was thin, newly thin actually, awkward, braces in a little forest green velvet dress and eyes as big as headlights. I was supposed to read the first reading and I got nervous and confused. I thought that a prayer blessing something or other was the opening prayer, so I went to the front of the church and started reading the first reading. I don't remember how far I got but eventually was beckoned down and told that Mass had not started.

Exhibit C:
Somehow I got picked to be an Emcee at some leadership camp when I was in high school. Now I was not an outgoing or terribly outspoken teenager so I am not sure how this happened, but I was to emcee a talent show in front of my peers who I of course was desperate to impress. After one number, I told a bad joke and then exited to the side of the stage. Two important details were unbeknownst to me. 1- The act was not ready yet. 2- The side door locked. I got locked out of the auditorium and the audience was left staring at a blank stage.

Exhibit D:
It was one of the first speeches of my Public Speaking class. We were supposed to give a speech about an object. I chose bookend of my grandmother's. Now my grandmother had passed away about 7 or 8 months prior. It was a hard time for me and I don't think I cried at all. Our family is strong. We don't cry. So I started the speech and not 1 minute into it, all the tears that I held back came pouring out. Choking on tears I ran out of the classroom and sobbed til my knees gave out in the bathroom. And then I had to return to class.

These were very humiliating but I honestly don't think of them automatically when I think of public speaking. Yet, my bad experiences in dating make me fear dating like most fear public speaking. It seems whenever I finally get to a point that I am ready to be in a relationship, something goes wrong. Like (gasp!) the guy has absolutely no interest in being in a relationship with me or he prefers my married friend or I handle things badly and then regret it. In the last couple of years, I have fought so hard to not get involved that when I do and it fails, well it puts me off for another really long time. I end up not dating guys who might actually be good for me and I do like, but I am just too scared.

Maybe I need to approach more like I approach public speaking, build up a repertoire of experiences so not ALL of them are negative.
That is so much easier said than done. In public speaking, you have a greater control over your attempts. In dating, it's not like you walk outside and say, Okay, I'm ready. Come here.

I am still so very tired of everything. It's so much easier to focus on these issues than other things like death and cancer and failing. It is more concrete and a little less scary.

Hit a New Wall and Still Reeling

I have hit new lows this quarter. All of it came crashing last Friday. First hit- my uncle died. Second hit- conference from hell. Third hit- worry and anxiety over my best friend's mother and her recent diagnosis of cancer. Fourth hit- A guy I *thought* I was having a relationship with ended and ended up being a total dick (no censors today). Fifth hit- bad teacher observation. Sixth and the one that leaves me sweating, 8th week quarter realization.
I realize I am drowning this quarter. Images of Meredith Grey weighed down in the Grey's Anatomy drowning episode linger on. Around Tuesday, I could empathize with her. "I was just tired" she told people when she let herself drown. This week I was just tired. I wanted to quit. I was just tired of things going wrong. Of me not doing well. Of me misreading people. Of being so faraway.

I don't have motivation speech out of this. I didn't miraculously regain my strength. I just accepted that I fail sometimes and this was a quarter of failing. I am not sure how I will do gradewise. I am not sure how I will pull through.

***
Last week I talked to my uncle. He said, Kimberly this is the best time of your life and you're making the most of it.
I told my hairdresser Brooklyn about this. I told her, I didn't know what to say. She said with her hairdresser wisdom, Kimberly, he didn't want you to say anything. He wanted you to live it.
**
Last night I went to the festival of new plays. There was one play and the essence of it was the writer wanted to write her friends as a characters. I realize that is what I do. I am a writer underneath it all and I am constantly writing. I think sometimes what happens is the characters I create out of the people in my life don't match the characters I created. Disappointment sets in. The character of the guy and the guy were different. The character was great but the guy, which became all too clear this week, didn't match the character.
**
Now I should be reading but I am not. Maybe I am drowning because of these distractions, but I have the rest of the weekend to catch my breath. I hope.

My Best Cookies EVER

So if the whole PhD thing doesn't work out, if I DON'T find a causal relationship or even correlation between Theatre and Revolutions, then I am going to become a baker. I will open a little place on the beach (probably a little further south so it's warmer) and serve cookies and wine. I will tend to my customers barefoot in a sundress with narry a care in the world (My loans will magically pay themselves of course). Maybe then I'll achieve the 'Fiona' lifestyle that has eluded me thus far.
And this will be my signature cookie, best enjoyed with a glass of red wine, a Shiraz, because that's my favorite.

Chocolate Chocolate Cinnamon Cookies

1 1/3 cups of whole wheat flour
1/3 cup of cocoa
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1/3 cup of sugar
3/4 cup butter, softened
1 egg (or 1/2 carton of egg beater)
1 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla
3/4 teaspoon of baking soda
A pinch of salt
1/2 12 oz package of semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 12 oz package of white chocolate and semi sweet swirled chips
1/2 cup of walnuts
3/4 cup of quick oats
3/4 teaspoon of cinnamon

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Stir flour, cocoa, salt, and baking soda. Set aside.
Cream butter and sugars together.
Add vanilla and egg. Beat well.
Add dry ingredients to mixture.
Add oats, chopped nuts, chocolate chips, and cinnamon.
Mix well in between each.
Put the dough on cookie sheets in heaping tablespoons.
Bake 9-11 minutes.
Enjoy. :)

Reading

I really feel like I read for a living. It's odd but that's what has taken up the majority of time this quarter. It's not fun reading and I have almost forgotten that for many people, it is fun. I used to be one of those people. For example, I read an entire book in just a little over 24 hours. That used to mean it was really a good book. Now it just means I procrastinated my homework and had to read Charles Tilly's Mobilization and Revolution in time for my seminar.
And now I need to get back to reading. This time essays on Miss Saigon and Madame Butterfly, that's a tiny bit more fun but I have a feeling theoretical jargon is going to get in the way.
Oh to go back to the days of The Tent, The Babysitter's Club, and the Sweet Valley High twins. Now I would probably see them as reinforcing gender roles, power dynamics, and cultural stereotypes.

One of Life's Simple Pleasures

I discovered something utterly fantastic today. In my five hour stint at the pool, teaching mock lessons, taking mock lessons, swimming laps, I discovered the sweet beauty of hot concrete. When the breeze is a little cool but the sun is hot, there is nothing like laying down on warm, sunbaked concrete pool deck. I felt like I was eight years old stretching my arms and legs out to cover as much area as possible, feeling the sun through the ground on my cold skin. Amazing.
It was better than curling up in down comforters on a rainy morning. Better than the first taste of bittersweet coffee on what you know will be a long day. Even better than turning in the last paper of the quarter.

Sweet Validation

Today wasn't so awesome, however, I did feel incredibly validated. I have always been scared of diving off diving boards, so I was not pleased that we were going to have to do it in my swim instructor class. However, I was not the only one. I kept most of my fears to myself, but all the girls and even the ripped guy with a tatoo on his stomach (ouch!) completely freaked out. It took a lot of coaxing to get them on the board and off. Keep in mind this is not a high dive, but a regular springboard. I am not the only with that fear and I actually was able to do it. I won't be joining any diving teams any time soon, but it's not as bad as I thought.

Why Today Was Awesome

1. Nothing like starting the day with a lecture on Hell House.
2. and coffee
3. Shopping! For the first time EVER I bought two pairs of running shoes at once. I am pretty sure that will make me twice as fast.
4. Shopping! Ass fabulous jeans.
5. Shopping! Ass fabulous jeans at 20% off because I told the salesperson (kindly) that her name tag was on upside down and we continued chitchatting as she rang me up.
6. Shopping! For some reason I can always find amazing things on clearance at Ann Taylor in my size.
7. My first batch of made from scratch brownies.
8. Emails from my sister, sister in law, and brother all on the same day and actually within an hour of each other.
9. For one of my quarter projects, I get to ask the playwright questions directly. I can't believe it. I have been reading all her papers in the archive, including some fascinating personal emails and I am sure, if we were the same age, we would be great friends. I can't believe that instead of having to postulate on why sections of her drafts changed, I can actually just ask her and therefore get the RIGHT answer.
10. After the week I had, I got to make a list of why today was awesome.